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Why do desert dwellers hate sand storms?

 Because they're so da-rude.

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"Who's the shortest character in Spider-Man?"

"Uncle Ben."

"Huh? He doesn't look like the shortest."

"Yeah, but he's six feet under!"

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Idea for an RPG campaign! The very first line to the party, regardless of their sex:

"You're all pregnant."

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"We're going to summon Cthulhu!"

"Are you R'lyeh sure?"

Happy Thanksgiving

Jellied cranberry sauce is superior to whole berry.

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Is the plural form of waifu "waifi?"

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Grammar Nazis are not the Alt-Write. #IStandCorrected

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I am turned off by negativity. Including my own.

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Crossover I want to see:

Downton Abbey
Black Butler
Hayate, the Combat Butler
Hellsing
Avengers

Butler Battle Royale!

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Crossover concept:

Mojo JoJo's Bizarre Adventure

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What's the 11th Doctor's favorite social media site?

Fezbook.

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Opening a bottle of Ramune is not referred to as "ball busting." #IStandCorrected

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The people who scream about Social Security not being an entitlement are also the ones who say Ayn Rand was a hypocrite for taking Social Security because she opposed entitlements.

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Every bad driver in Texas is actually a Californian.

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Easy way to spot an evil ideology: they use "anti-social elements" to mean someone they think is bad.

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"I want to protest a thing! How should I do that?"

"Burning a symbol of what you're protesting is a common method. What are you protesting?"

"Christianity!"

"Oooo...better not, then."

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That feeling when you need coffee to remember that you made coffee.

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"We need to resist efforts to turn America into a police state that oppresses minorities!"

"Okay, sounds reasonable."

"And we'll do so by turning America into a socialist regime that oppresses private property holders and businessmen!"

"Like HELL you will."

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Ships and Salsa.

I feel like there's a good one-shot RPG I could do with that title.

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If an African-American says wrongthink, they're an "Uncle Tom."

If a gay male says wrongthink, they're a "quisling."

Those are the current terms used to mean "race traitor" (or more broadly, "tribe traitor") by bigots who cannot discuss thoughts.

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Reading is easy. Listening is hard.

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"Did you hear about Starscream?"

"What'd he do this time?"

"He outed himself."

"What?"

"Yeah, turns out he actually identifies as an attack helicopter."

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Life in nature is Hobbesian: nasty, brutish, and short. Civilization allows us to avoid that fate.

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What's the slogan of vegetarian Wallstreet investors?

Green is good.

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"I got a good price on this used shrimp fried rice."

"Used? Who would sell used food?"

"A prawn shop."

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Is organizing a graveyard rave practicing Necro-dancey?

Necrodancer should be an actual RPG class.

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"Brutus, I need invites for the Senate to announce my ascension to Roman Emperor."

"What size, Ceasar?"

"A2, Brutus."

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Dragonball has one character who could beat Saitama in a fight:

Arale.

Well, technically she's a crossover character, but at least there's someone in there who could win.

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I am grateful for all the friends who have remained by my side.

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Citations and bibliographies are virtue signaling for academia.

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If you cry wolf at kittens, no one will believe you when Cerebus comes knocking.

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I hope there's a Baird Street in Baird, TX. Then I can buy a house there and say, "I'm the Baird who lives on Baird in Baird."

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"Well, color me confused."

"What color is confusion?"

"Taupe."

"Taupe?"

"No one knows what taupe is supposed to be."

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Were my friend circle to crumble to dust save for but a few, I could build a temple on that small firm foundation.

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Saying someone is qualified to be president because they've been in politics a long time is like arguing that stool that's been in your bowels a long time is qualified to be your brain.

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Manga recommendation: Musuko ga Kawaikute Shikataganai Mazoku no Hahaoya.

Demon girl becomes a mom and goes through the tribulations of raising a literal little demon. Cute and funny.

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Fight matchup:

Goku vs. Twilight Sparkle (with combined Alicorn powers)

They both have instant transmission and kamehameha blasts. They can both blow up planets.

The deciding factor? Goku has a known weakness against pink effeminate things.

HEYYO.

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Being an adult means having a car with which you can hunt down an ice cream truck if it dares drive past you without stopping.

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Totally proper self care for anxiety: tell yourself you're weak and worthless until you shame yourself into being better.

Happy Easter

A long time ago, a team of heroes hunted down and fought a Necromancer, known for raising the dead. They finally captured him and performed the ritual to end his evil powers, ending in stabbing him with a blessed spear while he hung disconnected from the earth.

Unfortunately, they pulled an Ash and screwed up the words. Three days later the Necromancer rose as a Lich and (according to some records) moved to a new continent to recruit an even greater army.

And that's the New Testament in a nutshell, folks. It's a D&D campaign in disguise!

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I used to call it stress. Now I know it's anxiety.

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Anime match up I'd love to see:

Kazuma Azuma (Yakitate Japan) vs. Souma Yukihira (Food Wars)

In a battle of baking. Which would win: bread moments or food orgasms?

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How much data is there on time travel?

1.21 Gigabytes.

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I am apparently 27 years old and a Latino. Surprised my mom when I told her this.

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I am not a free man.

I am a number.

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I haven't unfriended anyone for their politics. Sadly, I've seen others do so and had it happen to me. Don't let politics cut off networks and friendships you'll need in the future.

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Mermaid crime drama: Under the Sea-SI.

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If I die from overeating at Fogo de Chao, list my cause of death as "Staked."

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Anyone else find it weird when you say "a couple" and someone responds with, "How many?"

I said a couple! That means 2!

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Cuckhold is an interesting Shakespearean insult. Seeing it reduced to common vulgarity - "cuck" - annoys me.

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Kids born on March 14, 2015 are highly mathematical.

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"Our priest was dismissed today. I heard he was experimenting with drugs."

"I guess he was exploring altar-d states."

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Political debates are my favorite sporting events.