After breakups, I usually enter a period of sadness that make me uninterested in finding another for a while. Sometimes months, sometimes years. Breakups are rarely a short term recovery for me, especially if they were emotionally involved. (A couple dates doesn't cause this - it has to be an actual relationship.)
However, my last breakup is different. I had about a week of the usual, "Oh, no, I'm alone" reaction. Then I was attacked - quite viciously, in fact. Being attacked switches me from being sad to having my guard up. I rally - external threats switch me from thinking about my problems internally to focusing on defeating whatever menace has reared itself. This is actually effective at ending depression and buoying me back to emotional stability.
The good news is the attack had the positive effect of terminating my moping. However, I've noticed another side effect: at the core, I feel a certain numbness. While I am able to function on my projects and other things just fine, emotionally I am a bit deadened. Similar to my usual post-breakup feelings, I have little interest in dating or having relationships. I miss cuddling and deep conversations, but those are ephemeral things.
I'm not sure what's happened. I don't consciously feel sad or depressed - powering up to fight against the ongoing threat to my life has overridden that. But I no longer feel the same level of desire for human contact as I once did. Perhaps it's the sting of the betrayal from what happened. Having two people who promised to be by your side turn traitor will do that.
I'm slightly worried something may have broken in me with this last one. Something I haven't soused out yet. Hopefully, it'll get back in shape in the usual course of time.
For now, I am happy that my mind is still cranking out ideas and stories as it always has. My enemies can never take away what matters most to me, which makes their victory impossible.
No comments:
Post a Comment